5 months on…

What’s that, a new blog post? So I know it’s been a while, actually a really really REALLY long time, but some times life just gets way out of hand, and more to the point way out of your own control. And that’s exactly what has happened here, to me. The past 6 months have been completely weird, I don’t really have a better word to describe it other than weird if I’m perfectly honest. I’ve had to deal with a whole bunch of things, all of which I can say have made me into a much better and stronger person! So from now on I am going to be throwing all of my time and energy into my blog… whilst i’m not snowed under with university work!

A NOT SO QUICK THROW BACK…

So back in December I went to Amsterdam to celebrate my 20th birthday, but what most people won’t know is that the day I flew out my grandad, my biggest motivation and inspiration in life and the role model who lived with both my parents and I, was taken ill and ended up in hospital for a few days. I was completely unaware of the whole thing at the time, as he was adamant he didn’t want anything to ruin my trip away, so I went about my city break without realising that my whole life was about to be flipped upside down as soon as I got back home! So I got back on the 5th December quite late in the evening and after a super quick catch up with my parents and then I immediately went to go see my Grandad and tell him that I was home, but that’s when my parents had to tell me what had happened.

A few days had past and it seemed like he would get better, because that’s what always happened. He would go for months without anything happening, then he would get ill, have a few set backs, but then he would always, always get better. That’s just the way it was, he was a fighter and the most determined, strong minded, and massively stubborn person in the whole world and he would always get better.

I went back to university for my final week of lectures and made my way home for christmas break, and then it went down hill from there. The 16th December, my aunts birthday, his eldest daughters birthday, signified the day he would leave our family home.. for good. Little did I actually realise this at the time though, I just thought ‘It’s fine, of course it’s fine, this happens quite a lot, he will get better and he will come home, he always gets better.’ 

So Grandad was admitted to hospital, again, twice in the space of 2 weeks, and that day I stayed with him for hours and hours in A&E with my family until I knew he was going to be settled in a ward where he would be cared for. The next day my family all went to see him, and I still had it in my head that it would be fine, because it just had to be fine. 

The hours turned into days and the days into weeks, and for someone who was so determined to put up a fight about going into hospital I just knew this would break his heart to be away from our family home for such a long time! He was the proudest gentleman in the world, and being in hospital for such a long time really dampened his spirt. You could see it in his face, and that was just the worst. Not a single day went past where I didn’t go to see him, apart form 5 days leading up to christmas! (THE WORST TIME EVER) The ward was closed, they wouldn’t let anyone visit and it was horrific, to think that I may not see my  Grandad on Christmas day, a day meant for celebrating with your family, was just the worst. But we got the call around half 10 on Christmas morning that meant we could go and see him! THE BEST GIFT I COULD EVER WISH FOR.

It made my whole day, but it was so bittersweet! I was able to spend the day with him, but we weren’t at home, we weren’t eating homemade triffle that my aunty would make especially for him and we weren’t playing silly games that my mum would make us all join in on. He started to really really go down from here, he would barely eat, drink or even talk and it seemed like his spirit had completely gone.

Everyday from then on I visited my Grandad in the hospital, and although I knew he was receiving the best care from the most kind hearted people on the ward, he just wasn’t getting better, but I still thought he would and that he would come home, because he always did.

New year came around, a time where my family have a second Christmas, a time where we like to reminisce on the year before and talk about how we want the next to turn out. But it wasn’t the same, one reason being that we weren’t at my house, another that my mum was so unwell with stress that she couldn’t make it and Grandad was STILL in that hospital ward. We all tried to remain positive but you could just feel it, it wasn’t the same. Both dad and I then made our way home and I started to pack my suitcase ready to go back to university that night in order to start my clinical placement that Monday. At half 4pm we got the call. THAT call.

That life changing call.

Grandad had taken a turn for the worst and the nurse’s there decided that we all need to go to the hospital to be with him, immediately. Walking into that ward was the most heart breaking thing that’s happened to me and I won’t be able to loose that image, you can never prepare yourself for it, no matter how long you you have had to accept the fact that your loved ones can’t live forever, no matter how much you want them too. He had given up and it was only a matter of time until we would loose him forever. The hours went past, and mum was getting worse and as it was about 5:30am at this point, a whole 13 hours of waiting, so we made the decision for me to take her home so we could try and get some sleep. At 6:45 my dad called me, telling me it was time and I had to get my mum back to the hospital, I’ve never got us both in my car and driven to the hospital and parked up so quick in my whole entire life. There’s no a way that we could have gotten there quicker. My dad and a family friend came out to meet my mum and I at the front of the hospital and at the exact moment, my aunt who was with him called to say that we were too late. He had gone, he went peacefully but still he had gone and we had missed it.

Everyone tells us that he was just holding out so that he could go without both my mum and I being there, and part of me believes this, but it doesn’t make it better. Thankfully my aunt and her step sister held his hands whilst he took his final breath, but it should have been me.

Up until that point, the 2nd January 2017 I had never lost anyone and to loose someone who was like a 3rd parent to me I could never put into words. It’s an utterly heartbreaking and devestating thing to go through. But I am so grateful to have had the most incredible life of having a grandparent live with me and to be able to share things with him every single day, but that bond we had made it even more difficult. It makes it even more difficult, even now 5 months on, to the day.

It has become easier over time, but it’s something I know I will never get over, and I am totally fine with that, I don’t want to get over it. But what I do now instead is make the most of every single day, I tell my family how much I love them and I never take a moment for granted. I use my Grandad’s spirit to lead a much more positive life and I do feel like a much stronger person. I am giving more than I have ever done before, but I am also achieving way more! I went back to placement a week later, completed it all and managed to get the highest level of competencies possible and was commended on my attitude and professionalism wit dealing with the whole things, especially as 3 days after my Grandad passed away, my great uncle unexpectedly did also, and then a week from there my Nan to. 3 loses in 10 days, it’s hard to imagine and it’s even harder to go through, but I did with the support of all of my family and close friends.

So today I remember my Grandad, my best friend and biggest motivation and think about how I can continue to love what I do, live an even more positive life and just embrace every single moment and not say no to anything. Now that we’ve had a little heart to heart, I can’t wait to carry on his legacy of loving everything I do and just being totally fearless… and stubborn, always stubborn! So I’m setting myself the challenge of putting all my energy into my blog and making something wonderful out of something that was not quite so wonderful. So expect to see lots more from me on here and watch me achieve all of my life goal, one blog post at a time!

Love,

Shan x

 

 

Share:

2 Comments

  1. Courtney Gwynne
    June 2, 2017 / 11:19 pm

    Lots of love x

    • missshanlouise@gmail.com
      June 3, 2017 / 8:15 am

      Thanks Court, love you lots xxx

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *